11.13.2010

I have nothing to say.

Trying to write a blogpost when you have nothing to say feels even worse than sitting down to write a 10-page paper.  Harder, anyhow.  There's absolutely no prompt, since blogging can and should be about anything.  Logically, this lack of parameters should make it easier for me to write something here; there's so many options, why don't I just pick one and get on with it?  But the following thought pattern is also logical to me:  the vastness of the number of things I could write about gives greater import to whatever I say here.  This is what I imagine people reading blogs thinking: the author could have written about anything, but out of everything that could be said, he/she chose to write this.  So it must really matter to him/her.
That's really why this is harder than a 10-page paper.  I think what I say here has to say a lot about me, it has to be the best, it has to seem valuable to other people, and it'll define me as a person.  The title of this post is a lie. I do have things to say, I have lots of things to say.  I think tons of things. I have opinions. I have testimonies. I have people I want to blather on and on about, because I'm in love with them.  I'm just scared of saying something sincerely and then having it disregarded.  Because that hurts.  Maybe I should think about it differently, though.  If I'm being sincere and honest, in any venue, be it speech, text, or song, why should I care what the reception of it is?  I don't want to cast my "pearls" before swine, but only because I don't like watching my pearls be dirtied, disrespected, or unappreciated, not because I'm trying to obey that scripture.
I want to do more things because I want to.  I want to not cater to people's needs.  I don't think it's honest. I'm torn between my belief that humans should be accommodating and my belief that censorship and self-restraint aren't always honest.  I'm a black-and-white thinker who wants to see the gray, which, in and of itself, is a black-and-white and gray statement.  I'm a ball of contradictions, that's what I am.  I don't know what to write or talk or think or speak when there's no audience I'm catering to.  Even when I'm writing in my journal, I'm my own audience.  I guess I'll always be there to hear what I have to say.  That's inescapable.  One of my greatest wishes is to be able to communicate without letting people's reactions govern the next sentence I say or movement I make, or how I feel about myself.
I've been reading this course I'm illustrating at work called "Self Reliance:  How to Eliminate Stress and Be True to Yourself."  It talks about how we all have an opinion of what is the best action in everything, and when we're true to ourself we feel happy, and when we betray that belief we've betrayed ourselves and become unhappy and stressed.  I want to be truer to myself and my beliefs.  I want to make things I think are beautiful and throw them out into the world and not care what people say about them, not wait for a response.  I want to eliminate things that don't matter.  I want to not expect anything, but still be able to appreciate blessings, and not expect them after I've appreciated them.  I want to always have a desire to change, not out of dissatisfaction with myself, but because I'm humble enough to realize I can always improve.
Oof.
Told you.  Lots of things.

2 comments:

Rosanne said...

I think we have a lot in common via our writing styles. I always wonder what my audience will think, and I hate when I don't get comments from people telling me HOW GOOD I am.

But this was refreshingly honest, especially coming from you. I like it. I think that's what attracts people is honesty - we like that we can always count on someone to tell us how it is, in their life or ours.

Cassandra said...

I am in love with you. And you just explained why I was so afraid to start a blog in the first place. But I'm glad I did. And I'm glad you did, too.